There Is Only Now
by sagey
Summary: Set during EATG. Johns thoughts as he goes to his doom. A John/Teyla fanfic


There Is Only Now

Story...Set during EATG, while John is waiting to go to his doom. John's last thoughts. And even though this is just John's thoughts it is a John/Teyla fanfic..

Actually to get where I am coming from I want you to picture the last scene..All of them standing at the railing.. ..Especially John and Teyla. Both of them have their arms folded and to me it seems like they are not touching on purpose..I have been thinking of this since I saw that scene..and now here It is..my ruminations.

Disclaimer..I own nothing...Everything but what I deem Johns thoughts are, belong to the SGA universe..

Dedicated to all J/T shippers and my contribution in keeping the J/T love alive..

There Is Only Now

The waiting was agonizing. Even knowing that this was the only way, the only solution, and after all the other near suicide missions, it had been the only decision he could live with. Or in this case, die with. There wasn't going to be any last split second rescue, or an abort order. This time there was no-one to save him. The people he trusted most in the world were in another galaxy. This time John Sheppard was going to die. Die alone, like he always thought he would. At least his actions would save Earth and all its inhabitants. That was good. That was something to be proud of.

He looked around at what he could see. Space and lots of it! Space, the last frontier! And he smiles remembering that iconic phrase. This was going to be his last frontier. Damn it but he wasn't ready to die. He thought he would be but things can change on the turn of a dice or in the blink of an eye. He knew there was no way out of this. He was going to have to fly into the heart of the super Wraithe hive and blow himself and them, into a million pieces. He knew it but still a small part of him rebelled at the very idea. He had experienced his blink of an eye.

Yesterday, hell, even three hours ago when he had awoken on Atlantis, he would have gladly and without a thought given his life for his country. But now! Now he wanted an extra day, or fifty years. Something had changed. He had changed. Well not exactly changed. He has known for quite awhile what he wanted, who he wanted, but was too stupid to pursue for a multitude of reasons. And right now all those reasons seem pretty superfluous.

And it wasn't as if he didn't know that it was really all his own fault. The interest had been returned. Subtle, very subtle, but considering the source, she wouldn't be any other way until the guy made the first move. And he hadn't made any move accept to keep her at arms length. Telling himself and showing her, that it was for the best, blah blah blah...And so it went on year after year until she told him she was pregnant with another mans child. He was devastated. His whole world, the dreams he didn't even realize he had, came crashing down around him. And that little sliver of hope, hope that one day he would get his act together and they would be a couple, died before it had time to be truly born.

He only had this time right now, and he was all alone .All alone with his thoughts and self recriminations. He wished he had more time. There were still things left undone, unsaid. And now he wasn't going to get another chance, another try. Now everything and everyone he loved was just too far away. Too far away to be of any help! To far away to say goodbye too! Too far away to touch! And just thinking of that word brings him back to the reason he wants to live. The reason hope had once again ignited in his heart. Was it only this morning, which seems such a long time ago or maybe so far away, being that it had happened on Atlantis?

But it had happened. And he smiled and touched his lips. He could still feel her mouth on his. Their breaths mingling as need and urgency had taken hold in the confines of his room. He had been packing his few items into a carry bag, almost ready to gate to SGC, when the door had opened and he turned and saw her. He stopped what he was doing as she walked further into the room, the door closing behind her.

"Teyla, what..." he says, and walks toward her. He can see she is unsettled and nervous.

"Mr Woolsey has told us you are leaving for Earth. I wanted, needed to say..." They are standing only a couple of feet apart and he can see the sheen of tears in her eyes.

"Teyla, its okay. This isn't goodbye."

"Perhaps not, but who is to say what will happen." Taking a step closer she leans toward him and he responds and they touch forehead to forehead.

"May the path we have walked together not be over just yet John Sheppard." And as he lifts his head to tell her everything will be alright he sees the tears on her cheeks.

The words just won't come so in silence they stand there and look at each other. The tears on her face reflect the tears he feels in his heart. Not able to handle the pain he sees in her eyes, he reaches out and his fingers brush gently at the wetness on her cheeks.

She utters a sob and turns quickly away from him. "I cannot...I must go...I ..." her broken words snap John out of silence and inactivity. She is nearly to the door when he grabs her arm and pleadingly cries,"Teyla."

She stops, she slowly turns and that is all that is needed. They are in each others arms in seconds, lips pressed together. Their mouths taking, giving, their actions speaking the words never said but treasured in their hearts. What seems like forever is merely seconds and then it is over and she runs through the now open door leaving John standing there alone.

And now here and again alone, he has that memory replaying over and over in his mind. All the years wasted, never speaking about what was in their hearts. He was a fool. And sitting here remembering, he has made promises to himself he knows he wont be able to keep. If only he had more time. Time to do what he should have done. Time to speak what has been unspoken. But all he has is now. And now is just not enough. Not anymore. Not when he can taste her on his mouth, feel her in his arms. The waiting was agonizing.

The waiting was over. And all the now that he thought he had left, was gone. Now he was going to die, before he had truly lived. Before he had taken the step that could give him a happy future! A future with her,the woman he loved beyond all things, beyond all his insecurities, doubts and might have beens. The only woman in two galaxies to own his heart and his soul. The one woman that made him feel ten feet tall, that made him believe in all possibilities. If only he had more than now. If only...but he didn't, and getting in position to make the final sacrifice, he makes his last call to SGC...

"When Atlantis shows up, tell them I said good-bye." He moves forward to meet his destiny. And the lone tear that tracks down his cheek gives voice to the words unspoken in his heart...Good-bye my only love.

The end


End file.
